Good things:
1. I had my appraisal and it was glowing!
2. I forgot to mention this earlier, but I'm definitely not dying of cervical cancer. In fact, I have an official printed bit of paper from my gynaecologist saying I'm 'normal'. Ha.
3. I got a twice-weekly review slot and a weekly Design Whore column on this fabulous new website that's launching on Monday.
4. Technically it was yesterday, but I met my friend's incredibly gorgeous cat. Jealous, much?
5. I'm going to the theatre with Zara tonight.
Bad things:
1. I was so useless at the gym. I huffed and puffed through about 20 minutes. Still, I'm totally out of shape so gotta start somewhere.
2. I ended up having an argument with someone about a swastika. Yes, being an ex-RE teacher I completely and utterly understand that it had benign and religious roots. I also know that the version he used was the Nazi version. And that he's wrong. As soon as he gets that, we'll all be happier.
3. My toe has swollen up thanks to the bee sting I got when a bumbling bumblebee flew into my sandals.
The balance tips in favour of Good: I accept this with something approaching serenity. Maybe.
...and this is what I thought of what I saw.
I'll be there for you... when I feel like it
In fact, I don't hate Ashley's friends. At all. Most of them I have a pretty good relationship with and at least one I think I missed more than Ashley did when we went on holiday. Between them they have the kind of relationship where you ring up for a chat whenever that I've sort of lost with quite a few of my friends (not that I don't appreciate some forward planning) and a warmth and understanding between them which is admirable.
And I don't even hate HER. I feel sorry for her, feel peeved by her attitude and dislike the way she manipulates Ashley. But I appreciate Ashley is responsible for allowing himself to be manipulated and I simply don't have it in me to really hate.
The Secret History
SHE is an old friend of Ashley's from around ten years back. They were, at one point, fuckbuddies and this sort of kind of did or didn't drift into a relationship. Ashley says he never counted it as one and they both dated other people. SHE announced proudly to me when I first met her (nervous, outnumbered on her home turf) that she had turned Ash from a crap car driving mamma's boy into the boy I was going out with and it was all credit due to her. Mhm. Sure.
Anyway, SHE moved to New York before I really appeared on the scene, and yet even from there managed to create an uncomfortable situation between Ashley and a friend, E, when SHE claimed said friend was annoyed at us for being too coupley (on that occasion, we really weren't). E denied ever having thought twice about it.
None the less, we somehow managed to get on. Then, when Ash and I moved in, SHE created a huge song and dance over me removing him from his family and friends (by suggesting we get a flat nearer my neck of the woods, a whole 20 minutes' drive away from where he was before and continues to work). All that SHE predicted - Ashley's loss of independence and personality -has yet to come to pass eight months later. We had a clash, and I was temporarily furious with Ashley for making a ham-fisted job of defending me. But back then a lot was happening at once and I actually don't blame him for his slight helplessness and have put that incident behind us.
We continued to, in a way, get on. SHE continued to interject her unasked for opinion on everything in our lives from when we have the wedding to where we're going on honeymoon. Then SHE had a falling out with Ash's closest friend, D, over the fact that SHE thought it completely normal to expect him to leave his wife with friends in the city and come up to Albany to see her alone. Why? Because SHE had never really liked his wife. After the inevitable argument, SHE insisted that her point of view and lifestyle weren't being respected. Despite basically thinking SHE was wrong, I stayed out of it and we somehow managed to continue to get along.
Ashley then went through a phase of being a crap friend. No buts - he was rubbish. So he decided to ring up and make amends, and made plans to see her yesterday when SHE was in the UK for a brief period. Later SHE announced that her plans were that Ash should pick her up, ferry her to her gran's in Southgate and then come back to West Hampstead to meet with me and another friend (E, the same one she tried to convince us was angry at our couplyness) for dinner. I rather baulked at this request as Ash doesn't know her grandmother and it was a rather girlfriend like request. Still, I opted to stay out of it. Ashley wasn't keen on this turn of events, being a baffled as to why I was excluded, but decided to go ahead with it.
Yesterday:
12:00pm - SHE rings to say she'll go to gran's alone, and we'll meet for dinner in W. Hampstead at 6:30
6:25pm - SHE rings, when we've just arrived at the restaurant, to say her gran wanted to see her for a bit longer, so she's still there and will be an hour and a half late, so Ash should come and pick her up. He explains he has his car (2 seater), so SHE says, in that case, two hours.
Now, this is how Ashley tells it. SHE claims she said 'up to' that long and was actually back within half an hour.
Ashley was incandescent. Not only was he enraged at the lack of forethought in calling so late, he felt like he was being treated as a taxi driver. (He later received a message from her when she was on her way back saying 'come and pick me up' again - this time from a local station. Not asking - telling).
We had some dinner and he was shaking, jaw set. It takes an awful lot to make him angry, but this did it. We went to see D, who was unsurprised. D later called E about something else and discovered E had expected to still meet us there and felt stood up. We didn't know - which is why we left, we'd never have been so rude otherwise - but E's upset is my only regret in all this. Still, I don't believe E was that upset - or upset for the reasons she now states - until SHE convinced her to be.
Honesty Kills
The fact is, I was glad to be rid of her. SHE has since called up and - in an unprecedented move - apologised to Ash. Of course, she's apologised with about fourteen qualifications, so it means nothing.
I'm not sorry he accepted the apology - I have enormous admiration for people who show forgiveness and understanding - but I am sorry SHE is back in our lives. I've had to take the step of saying that I want nothing more to do with her ever, under any circumstances (so she'll finally get him alone - yay her!). I know this seems manipulative, but I really don't want to come between them.
I just think her peremptory and arrogant behaviour sucks. SHE claims she has a 'long list' of male friends who have deserted her after becoming part of a couple, but instead of blaming me and the relationship can she consider that if it's a long list SHE is to blame, not all of them? You can't be clingy and divisive with one half of a couple, pushing their other half out and being secretive and then expect not to eventually be excluded yourself.
The BBC's Breakfast show was buzzing with discussion about the results of a survey of fertility specialists which shows that, while 72% think IVF should be offered on the NHS more widely than it is, 47% of those questioned think lifestyle should restrict access. In other words, smokers and fatsos don't get to have help having children. At the moment, many doctors offer lifestyle change advice (as, I think, they should to any prospective parents) but access is not denied on the basis of bad habits.
There's a practical point behind the discrimination - the treatment is hideously expensive and possibly less likely to take if you are physically unfit. But all this does is create a discussion on the cusp of the dilemma because we're all too emotionally involved with the idea of having children to face the truth.
If you are to make judgments on lifestyle to decide who's allowed help to have a baby, it stands to reason you should make them about those who don't need help to conceive - after all, disabled children of mothers who drank, smoked and took drugs throughout pregnancy cost too, right? And studies have shown that fat parents raise fat children - tut tut. But we simply can't go down that route of discussion because that way madness, erosion of civil liberties and possibly compulsory sterilisation lies.
So instead we have to turn to the root of why we offer IVF at all: because we think having children is a right. It's not. For some people it's a privilege, for others their worst nightmare. What it isn't is something we have some innate ethical right to do - our bodies (this includes men) work or they don't. We fix other health problems because we argue that it'll keep us alive or make a substantial difference to our quality of life. But the fact is that there are enough children needing good homes that we don't need to fix our reproductive bits to indulge in our desire to have a child.
Furthermore, IVF is mainly the preserve of the spoiled, developed countries - you know, the ones who are spawning consumers who are destroying the planet.
Bear with me. I know I sound a tad fascist, but I'm coming to a point here.
My point is this: if we are to start regulating who's allowed to have the right to try and give birth (whether for ethical or financial reasons), we have to discuss why we think it's appropriate to help them at all.
Personally, I really want children, and should I discover I can't conceive naturally I will do everything within my power to have my own, because my genetic / societal imperative and personal choices have led me to this point. I totally and utterly understand how overwhelmingly devasting it must be to a woman to think she might never carry a child of her own. I'm all for IVF treatment being opened up to those who feel they need it.
But all of my views are personal, selfish and emotional. Yes, I'm very glad the UK government is not a body of relentlessly rational beings who will take that choice away from otherwise apparently infertile women. If we argue that IVF ought to be regulated according to lifestyle, however, we might as well argue that it ought to be taken away altogether. It's not vital, it's not necessary, it's a drain on resources and it helps damage the environment even further. I think our sense of humanity demands that it stays in spite of all these things, and sweating the small stuff is deeply unnecessary and only serves to scaremonger.
Once there was a tree... and she loved a little boy.
People often use the word 'classic' to describe something that they feel embodies a certain time of place. A film is destined to be a classic if you know it will evoke nostalgia in you ten, twenty, thirty years from now.
I can understand why people think that way, but that's not a classic as I see it. A classic is something that can speak to anyone, at any time. I did not have to be alive during the civil rights movement in the US, nor even know much about it, to be thoroughly moved by To Kill A Mockingbird. It's a classic because childhood, injustice and family dynamics exist for all of us. What makes it special is that those universal themes are explored in a unique and beautifully written way.
This is what makes The Giving Tree so powerful. A straightforward tale of love and selflessness, with deceptively simple illustrations, it doesn't touch on any new or unique ideas. It does, however, visit them in a distinctly different way. The necessary narrative spareness of a children's picture book strips the meaning down to the bare facts, moving without mawkish sentimentality, and speaking to children with honesty and intelligence, as they deserve.
It was first published in 1964. In 2004, a teacher training tutor reminded my class how much power to teach it still had. Long may they recommended this.
Why is it that when California Pearl lists 21 things about herself I think it's incredibly sweet and lovely and yet when I step in to answer her request to do one with my age I feel like I'm a boring hag?
Probably cos I am a boring hag. But hey - you don't have to read it.
1. I have never made a life plan (hence Philosophy degree, incomplete teacher training, etc etc).
2. I consider myself Greek first, and British second, despite having been born in London.
3. I was born in Queen Charlotte's Maternity Hospital, Hammersmith, West London.
4. My pets have included cats, guinea pigs, stick insects, canaries and goldfish.
5. I will most likely never own a dog, despite working for a dog welfare charity (I like 'em, I just don't want one).
6. I sometimes read back my own writing six months later and think I'm brilliant.
7. I sometimes read back my own writing six months later and think I'm a twat.
8. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
9. I fall in love with ancient ruins (no, Ashley's only 33). This year it was Knossos; in 1995, it was Vergina.
10. I say I'm not ready to have kids yet emotionally, but I am. Financially, not so much.
11. I think people who claim to be Christians but support the death penalty should consider leaving the Church.
12. Gender stereotyping annoys me more when it's applied to men than to women, because it seems to excuse crappy behaviour.
13. I have always been very old for my age, which makes me feel left out.
14. I might feel left out, but I also frequently feel superior.
15. I find people who strive to be different to be annoyingly similar to each other.
16. I don't have a favourite book, film or song.
17. I'm addicted to Twitter and get far too happy about @ replies. (@mokuska! Add me! Oh, you Twitter whore).
18. I cooked prawns in the milk / parev dishes without thinking about it. But Ash didn't notice til after either.
19. I've had a thing for Jewish men since Dr. Joel Fleischman.
20. I am not excited about my wedding. (Yet).
21. I AM excited about my hen do, which has been rescued from the jaws of reluctant crappery by a Very Good Idea.
22. I think Ashley is a better person than me.
23. When I watch planes land, I am terrified I am going to see them burst into flame. The adrenaline of fear is very similar to the adrenaline of anticipation which is very creepy indeed.
24. I think I manipulate Ashley without meaning to.
25. I think I'm a better writer than the girl who replaced me. But she's younger, prettier and friendlier, so it all balances out.
26. I compare myself to others a lot.
27. I don't have a clue what to have as our First Dance.
28. I'm a graphic design junkie.
Didn't you just love that segment of Animaniacs?
Good Idea: Doing your own homework
Bad Idea: Doing your own dental work
Ahh, the memories.
For me, it's more time for another Good Habit / Bad Habit.
Good Habit: Thinking about positive plans for the future.
Bad Habit: Preventing myself from carrying them out through anxiety.
Good Habit: Joining a gym.
Bad Habit: Thinking about going.
Good Habit: Telling people the good things about themselves.
Bad Habit: Thinking bad things about them.
Good Habit: Having concern about the people I love and care about.
Bad Habit: Forgetting to worry about myself or, conversely, worrying about myself so much I don't notice their problems.
Good Habit: Seeking the opinion and input of people that matter.
Bad Habit: Seeking the approval of everyone.
Good Habit: Righteous indignation.
Bad Habit: Not acting on righteous indignation.
Good Habit: Carrying out a good idea with motivation and efficiency, crediting the clever person.
Bad Habit: Berating myself for not having had the idea.
Good Habit: Blogging, talking and generally being supremely emotionally honest the vast majority of the time.
Bad Habit: Boring the tits off everyone - you clearly don't all need to know my issues!
Good Habit: Having an opinion on something and stating it with eloquence.
Bad Habit: Failing to really think every part through in my hurry to form said opinion.
Good Habit: Having bags of good ideas.
Bad Habit: Procrastination.
Basically, I'm not so bad. If I stopped worrying about being crap to the point of being scared to do anything (in case I'm crap), I wouldn't be crap.
Wow... with that insight, I should be a therapist.
I really hate the idea of the formal appraisal. It's not helpful for me and I can't see how it's particularly helpful for my employer. It's just a way for HR to get their rocks off with more paper.
A proper employer will foster an atmosphere where they know what's going on with you and you can talk to them at any time about training, problems etc. Actually, my employer does do that. They're a really good bunch from the organisational point of view, and my manager is a very approachable woman who will suggest stuff to me all the time and encourage my ideas and input.
Appraisals make me feel like they've been storing up all this negative stuff to say to me that they felt they couldn't thus far. I have good feed back from the Marketing Director and CEO. My manager tells me straight if she's not happy with something and really, that's rare. She appears by all accounts pleased with me. Same goes for my colleague sitting next to me... so why has her appraisal just taken an HOUR?
What can anyone possibly have to say for that long?
My interview to GET the job didn't take that long.
Oh shit.
It's a fact that I'm simply not happy when things are going well. This is because this creates in me a massive and near unshakeable anxiety that everything's going to go wrong (I'm perpetually terrified that either I'm going to die or Ashley is, for example).
Yes, I know I should go for therapy and I probably will at some point.
However, what happens when I get into a routine is that I start focussing on some displacement activity. At the moment it's thinking about moving away. Even though it's at least a year before I can even start to make that kind of decision, it's preying on my mind constantly.
Yesterday I was deliberating over the fact that although neither Ashley nor I are particularly fond of Athens in a long-term sense, it would make a lot more sense to go there than Thessaloniki.
People we know in Athens: several cousins, two uncles + family, younger cousins, two people I know on blogs who I'd be sure to try and meet up with (hi Ilias!), my Dad's colleagues (some of whom are English-born).
People we know in Thessaloniki: one cousin + wife.
Places to stay in Athens: my grandmother's flat. My parents are planning to sell it at some point but would gladly rent it to us. Two bedrooms, kitchen, full bathroom, huge living room, veranda, opposite a gerokomio (retirement home) that no-one can build more than two storeys on), about five minutes walk from Panormou Metro station, gorgeous view.
Places to stay in Thessaloniki: well, we'd find one.
Likelihood of employment in Athens: I'm pretty sure my father's employers would help us put feelers out, even if we didn't actually work with them.
Likelihood of employment in Thessaloniki: no idea. It does help when you know people, though, sad to say.
You get the picture. It makes a lot more sense, but then it doesn't. Because the chaotic, frenetic crowdedness of Athens somewhat takes my breath away. Unless there really are affordable residential areas within the commuter belt that don't make you feel like you're being whipped with a haddock rhythmically whilst being breathed on by an asthmatic factory? Don't get me wrong, here, I think Athens is a brilliant city in a number of ways, but if I'm considering escaping the insanity of London then quieter would be good.
I'm so very afraid that if we disturbed this little friendly nest we've got here, surrounded by friends and family, even for the good of our children and our future, we'd end up having no friends and getting sick of each other. I know it takes time and we'd have to throw ourselves into things by starting conversations and going to events, but I can't help feeling that it makes sense to go where you know people... unless of course by going there you're taking all the sense out of the operation in the first place.
It'll be interesting to read this a year from now, when I can even begin to consider these things and seeing whether I've changed my mind entirely!
I really ought to update my review blog more often. Then maybe people would, erm, read it. Although I don't much care about that - it really is more of an archive for me. Still, if you're interested in what I have to say about WALL-E, you can read it here.
